Sunday, August 9, 2009

She said she was 18...

She looked 25 but I neglected to ask if she was indeed married to a narcotics officer in the Rensselaer Police Department...
So for all of my many fans out there in Belmont and Saratoga...well, I been kinda busy.

Gonna get my mugshot on Facebook...twitter that in Rensselaer.

Anyway, I thought my ship had finally arrived on Friday...hit an exacta
with a 1st time starting 2 yr old...12 to 1...but hey, Saratoga likes to tease you before lowering the hammer...the only ship I saw yesterday was hardship.

Not to worry namesake, yup, little Spanky, is running in the 8th Monday at The Spa...
6-1 morning line but I'm predicting probably more like 15-1 at post time...
He's well hidden and Chad Brown has got him ready to roll.
Put him over the 4, 9 and 10 and sit back and wait for the cash to roll in.

Hey, you can still believe me, I'm not like the others...
regardless of what they are saying in about an unruly mob...whew.

See ya at post time,

Friday, June 5, 2009

...c''s only a mile and a half...

The Belmont may have gone to the birds...

With Mine That Bird deemed the mortal lock in The Belmont, it
makes one wonder...what would Nick Zito do...
Well, I'm not sold on Nick's 2 horses, Miner's Escape and Brave Victory
but then again... I never saw D'Tara coming last year either?

So, it a fit of illogical foresight I've settled on Summer Bird to take the whole
thing at 12 to 1...yup...Summer Bird, Mine That Bird and Flying Private
rounding out a very nice trifecta...

Hey, I've been wrong a couple of times on this but not now...
I'll be holding court tomorrow night at Carnegie's Deli...
trust me, I really am not like the others...

See ya at post time...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The weed of crime bares bitter fruit...

Black Eye Susans, Big Hats...
Rain and treachery afoot in Baltimore.

So the "big boys" wanted to conspire and keep Rachel Alexandra
from running in The Preakness on Saturday...tsk tsk...I sense a little fear and loathing
on the back stretch at Pimlico. I mean, c'mon...a filly ain't won it since
1906 and I don't remember that one...I'll ask Claire.

Anyway, who'd of thought that the horse that finished dead last in The Derby,
Friesan Fire, 42 lengths behind Mine That Bird, would go off in The Preakness at the same odds, (6-1) as the Kentucky Derby winner...Poor old respect.

As Bob Dylan and every dolt in Stewart's Ice Cream shop says, "It's All Good"...

I'm sticking with Papa Clem...he won't be fooled this time by crazy Calvin...
but just in case, I'll throw in never know...and even when you do know,
well, it'll be raining...Big Drama is going for the early lead, Pioneer of The Nile ain't gonna be just walking around the track...they'll be drinking in the infield...ah, another day at the races.

Trust me on this one...Papa, Rachel...a few libations...
I'm not like the others.

See yah at post time,

Sunday, May 3, 2009

How's your bird...

Hey horse-racing aficionados...
Know what you call an Exacta ticket with Papa Clem over
the rest of the field in The Derby....
You got it...a bookmark.

It's like grandma always said,
"What's in the well comes up in the bucket"...

I want revenge in The Preakness and I'm gonna get it.

Clink...Here's to The Pamplemousse...should have been there bud...

I'll be back with some more of my laser-like predictions before the next big show...
believe me, I'm not like the just seems that way sometimes.

See ya at post time,

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Hot Momma, Cool Papa and a bad case of The Swine...

Whoa...talkin' about Hot Mommas...
Rachel Alexandra wins The Oaks by 20 lengths and and I swear the other 6 horses are still
running 5 minutes after it's all over...including poor old Tweeter...sorry there T, can't
hit 'em all...dead last.
Cool Papas...that's correct amundo...Pap Clem...still gonna win The Derby.
Oh there are pretenders to the throne but when they hit the wire, Papa is gonna be there.
How do I know...

Well as Colbie Caillat says,
"It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose"...
or is that just another symptom of the olde Swine Flu...?

Whatever...I haven't kissed a pig in weeks...
And I haven't picked one in The Derby either...

Gotta wash my Snuggie, make a Mint Julep, put on my mask and get ready to collect my dough.

I'd bet a pair of Michelle's sneakers on it.
Papa can trust me,
I'm not like the others...

See ya at post time,

Monday, April 13, 2009

Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind...

Sheesh...I hate to brag...
That being said...Oh, did I have Papa Clem wired in The Arkansaw Derby
on Saturaday afternoon or what? I've been playing that horse since 4 days after
Christmas at Santa Anita and he's been nothing but money!
Now he's going to The Derby and I have him in the Futures Pool at 60-1...
I can almost smell my Steak & Clam Linguine at Rao's now...

I don't think he'd of had a shot with Pamplemousse in the race but that ship has sailed...

All of Gulfstream Park is descending on NY this month...gonna be a long Spring on the
grass but that's ok...Loquacious Lover and Master of Disaster are going at it today
in's not like I need the money but hey, 20-1 ain't bad in a Pick 3.

I think I got me, I'm not like the others...
Too bad John The Believer went back to golf...we sure do miss his money
in the betting pools at Big A...

See yah at post time,

Monday, April 6, 2009

Soy...un perdedor...

I'm a loser why don't you kill me....
now those are some lyrics!
And to think it all started with The Pamplemousse getting
scratched out of The Santa Anita Derby on Saturday...
and now out of the Kentucky Derby.
Believe me, The Pioneer of The Nile NEVER would have
won that race. My Derby Futures tickets, now, no more than bookmarks.

So yesterday I got Single Scoop in  the 5th at Philly...I got
Express Lane in the 7th and Attack Jack deadlocked in the 6th.
No problemo, right...a $650 Pick 3 for the taking...
Except for the friggin fact The New York Racing Association
closes all NY OTB's for Palm Sunday and nobody TELLS ME!

What about Racing For Jesus...hard to take...who knew
The NRA got religion..?

Ah...back to Philly in the rain today...

Remember...a friend will help you move,
a good friend will help you move a body.

See ya at post time,
Spanky...a very broken-hearted Spanky at that.

Monday, March 30, 2009

I never tapped that Maple tree your honor...

I know it's been a while...had to send my retention bonus back
and then got knocked out of the Florida Derby by Quality Road.

I was crying in my Grey Goose on Saturday night... getting ready to
celebrate Earth Hour. Around 8pm I turned off my Christmas Tree
and hit the deck in my Snuggie. It sure was dark...except for that
group of peasants with torches standing in the yard.
It was that same group that used to stand on Main St on Saturday afternoon
with all the Peace signs...they never show up there anymore so
I guess we won?
Anyway, they hadn't heard I sent the bonus back and they were
pretty upset. So was I....A fool could have picked Quality Road in Florida...
heck, even Toonie picked it...go figure...

To John The Believer...don't worry, Aqueduct is going back to 
the main track on Wednesday and I'll try and give you a few choice selections
in case the usual happens...

Remember it's not the bullet with your name on it ya gotta be concerned with...
it's that danged old one that says "to whom it may concern"...

Trust me...I'm not like the others...
See yah at post time,

Monday, March 16, 2009

Breakin' Bad...and other excuses...

Well Pappa Clem got his clock cleaned by Friesan Fire on
Saturday in the Losuisana Derby...7 and 1/2 lengths to be exact.
Now I know why Papa Clem is currently 60-1 in the
Kentucky Derby Futures Pool...but I still got a feeling...and hey,
it was still a pretty easy $40 exacta.

I got Lance Mackey in The Iditarod but have a strong feeling
I'll have to get to Anchorage to collect?

Just in from John The Believer...
The word is out in the upstate NY OTB's that if you simply bet
through the machines, chances are there will be a starting balance
of $80 just to get you acclimated and feeling comfy...
thanks John sure beats losing my own money...

Just to show you I still got the edge...
Flame Trowin Suzi in the 2nd race Wednesday at Aqueduct...
this girl has been cranked by Contessa...12-1...
and if you start with that $80 cushion in the betting machine,
whoa...hello Rao's...

Trust me, you know I'm not like the others...

See ya at post time,

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

That danged old Higgs...

Well it was snowing yesterday and they cancelled Philadelphia Park.
I sat around all afternoon in my freshly laundered Snuggie sipping
a little Calvados. I started wondering about that Large Hadron Collider
at Cern...the reason I bring this up was because I was purusing one of my 
old copies of Physics World, Volume 6, #9 to be exact. That's the issue where a
top English physicists challenged 5 other physicists to explain on one page;
What is The Higgs Boson and Why do we need to find it?
Well as soon as The Collider gets back to working maybe they'll find that
little ephemeral devil?
But it leads one to wonder...if they are still looking for The Higgs Boson,
why should I hesitate to handicap the Pick Six at Aqueduct tomorrow???

Boy, what a conundrum...or maybe it was the Calvados...but I think
I got a handle on it...and by the way...

Juke Bocks Hero in the 7th tomorrow at The Big A...

MAJHOOD in the 8th at The Big A on Friday...can't miss...
Trust me...I'm not like the others...
I Always wear a tie to an arraignment...

See yah at post time,

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Whac-A-Mole with Nancy Pelosi

If you saw the way Nan Pelosi was jumping up and down during the
latest Obama oratory you can imagine what I was doing yesterday afternoon
watching the 9th race at Santa Anita! Somebody should'a hit me with a mallet.
The Pamplemousse, with Alex Solis riding, hit the far turn and and
went into 5th gear. Six lengths in front of everything and Solis 
never touched his whip.

Spilled my Mojito all over my new blue Snuggie!

If The Pamplemousse doesn't go to The Derby, I'm hookin' up with Octomom I swear!

Akebono in the 5th today at's come to Jesus Time.

Gotta go look for my ShamWow...that Mojito really made a mess.

Remember, you can trust me,
I'm not like the others...

See yah at post time,

Friday, February 27, 2009

Can you hear the crickets chirping...

When I awoke this afternoon...
after a late night of dancin' around listening to
The G Spot Boyz do The Skanky Leg,
it became very clear that my stimulus check probably wasn't gonna arrive in time 
to hit the late Pick Four at The Big A...
So, the best laid plans as they say...

But I have great expectations for Saturday at Santa Anita.
The Pamplemousse running in the 9th...headed to The Derby I say.
Put him with Lucky JH in the 8th and you got a nifty Double
that will buy for all the Olde English you can handle.

Notonthesamepage running at Gulfstream tomorrow too,
in the 9th...another story I'll finish later...

Gotta get back to The Boyz...almost got that dance down...

Trust me, put it on The Pamplemousse,
He's not like the others.

See yah at post time...I hope...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Haulin' Oats...

Lounging here in my hot tub in Vermont, sipping on
a Dark & Stormy, listening to Soul Ja Boy and reading The Form...

Oskar Hval in the 7th tomorrow at The Big A...
If Blah Blah Blah in the 6th comes through, I got the
late Pick 4.

I'd love to wire the Pick 6 but as Judge Haller said to
Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinnie,
"Mr. Gambini, that was a lucid, intelligent, well thought out

I got that weird, inner track, winter feeling...

But you can trust me with the Oskar Hval thing...
Really, I'm not like the others...

PS...use a dark rum for the Stormy...killer bee...

See yah at post time,

Friday, February 20, 2009

Anyone seen A-Rod's Cousin...?

OK... OK...I only got two things right yesterday.
The track was "good" and Captivating Cathy in the 3rd.
It was just one of those days...but old Napkins almost did it in the 3rd
race at 23-1...I had my new Doc Martins all picked out.

Well I'll get back to you before Sunday, got a mortal lock in the 9th
at 30-1...can't miss...

You can trust me,
I'm not like the others...

See yah at post time,

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Mad Monkey Love...

Well, I just got the word out of Ozone Park
that Aqueduct is labeled "good" today...
And that ain't good, if you know what I mean.

Now I suppose it's time to invoke
Ockham's Razor or if that fails, Fermat's Last Theoreum
in order to decipher my mortal lock, Pick 4.

No problemo...I still got Napkins in the 2nd, Cleverly Regal in the 5th
and Next Day in the 9th. Even the Democrats are gonna love this.
Sharing the wealth.

Trust me,
I'm not like the others...

See ya at post time,

Monday, February 16, 2009

So two jockeys walk into The Carnegie Deli...

Yah...only thing moving in NY right now is the Pastrami on Rye
at The Carnegie but that's all changing soon.
On Thursday to be exact...
Check this out...
3rd...Captivating Cathy
4th...Pocket Cowboys
5th...Ommadon's Storm
7th...Kiss & Fly
8th...Gold and Roses
9th...Next Day got the early Pick Four, the late Pick Four and you
can throw in The Pick Six for good measure.

This is Real Money I swear.
As my old friend Smokey Johnny Sutton always says,
Let a smile be your umbrella but always play the speed on the rail.

Trust me,
I'm not like the others.

See yah at post time,

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Washington at Valley Forge...

"Freezing cold but Uncle George would strum
bo-doe-de-o, bo-doe-de o-doe...
On his ukulele, daily he would strum, beedle-um-bum,
dancin', prancin', then he'd holler, Red Hot Momma"...

Yah, Red Hot Baby in the 6th, trained by J Terranova...oh, how history repeats it's self
at The Big A... $ was only last Wednesday in the 6th, J Terranova lit up
the board with Daily Star  for $59.50...

Johnny A...hope your a history buff...

Dick Dutrow has a stealth missile going in the 7th tomorrow At Aqueduct
at 15-1...gonna steal it I say.

You can trust me,
I'm not like the others...

See yah at post time,

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Something is wrong with my nuts...

When I woke up yesterday afternoon I swear I almost choked
to death from the dust...chalk dust that is, hovering over Aqueduct.
My gawd...a friggin Pick 6 that paid $162?
Has hell frozen over on the Inner Dirt or did everybody get caught
out on that ice floe?

I never thought I'd pine away for the return of racing on the turf...
Speaking of a collect call last night from the Backstretch Cafe
at The Fairgrounds...Smokey Johnny Sutton...oh, boy, 
I thought, this oughta be good...Smokey Johnny was half in the bag on something.
Crying about how he missed the Magna Five yesterday because he couldn't
afford to play the spread at Gulfstream and ended up losing $25,000
when his pick came in 2nd...he then proceeded to ramble on about packing his
tack and hitting the main at Aqueduct before all the shippers started arriving from
Florida...he started into his affiliation with the International Norwegian 
Lesbian Field Hockey Team and that's when I told him my cell needed
a charge and I hung up.

I've always been known as kind, caring and compassionate but the nuts lately...
And that reminds me, Toonie called right after Johnny, bragging how she
cold picked Cowboy Cal at Santa Anita for $8.60 and Honest Man for $6 at
the Fairgrounds...who says a crazy squirrel can't find a legume?

I wonder if A-Rod knows Richard Dutrow??? Hmmmm, makes one wonder... a hot item at Philly this aft...
Butters, Richard's brother's horse...8-1...workin' out like a speed machine...
Can't me, I'm not like the others.

See yah at post time,

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Slow women

So many of you have called to my attention that
I was 0-4 yesterday at the Big A.
I got into some bad nuts.

Milkshakers, Whistle Biscuits, High Performance 
Mexican Jumping Donuts, Lasix, Bute & HGH...something is going
on with the horses.
Now I'm writing checks my ass can't cash...I think not.

A mere slip of the old handicapping pencil...nothing more...
I know my Levine's and Dutrows...

Tough Negotiations in the 5th and don't be surprised if
Haynesfield loses The Whirlaway in the 8th...Zooger is cranked.

Hey come' can trust me,
I'm not like the others.

See yah at post time,

Thursday, February 5, 2009


Yah, Ifonlyjohnny, trained by Bruce Brown at The Big A shipped
down to Philly for Monday's 4th race...$12.00 completing a very 
nice $76 double.

If only Johnny A. had paid attention...
But apparently he stumbled into something yesterday in the 6th at
Aqueduct...Daily Star lit up the board for $59.50.

If only Johnny would read the Form tomorrow because
Johnny Terravova, trainer of Daily Star has a hot one in the 5th at A.
Stratton's Girl, first timer at 10-1 and it's really lookin' ready to roll.

Watch out for Pee Wee's Peak in the 4th at Aqueduct tomorrow.
Big Gavel in the 7th, Giant Moon in the 8th and topped off
with D.Conway's Louise The Tease in the 9th.

Believe can trust me,
I'm not like the others.
See yah at post time,

Monday, February 2, 2009

Change You Can Believe In...

I AM THE MAN. I problemo.
What A Pear...same story...
When you got got it.

Just got off the phone with The IRS...small matter about my
unpaid taxes on winning tickets...once I explained to them that I just forgot
and that I probably had made a mistake, they said..."Well OK then"...

Got a hot one today in Philly...with odds I can't even print...
Well see...I even had to get into my Pick 3 money from yesterday
because this horse is gonna be smokin' in the lane, as they say.

Yesterday while I was watching the wrong team barely squeak
out a win, Claire brought me several pounds of peanuts...
I get it Claire, I get it...

Well, gotta go pick out a live longshot in Philadelphia tomorrow.
Get back to you on that.
You can trust Me...
I'm not like the others.

See yah at post time,

Sunday, February 1, 2009

If CC Lopez sees his shadow today...

There will still be six more weeks of winter and he'll still be short.

CC hit the board 4 times yesterday at Aqueduct, I'm getting tired.

Majhood running today at The Big A...3 yr old colt, $600,00,
lost his only race by 17 1/4 problemo.

So it's Majhood in the 6th...
Bitabaz in the 7th...
What A Pear in the 8th...
Sinners and Saints in the 9th.
A mortal LOCK late Pick4.

I can see the sauce dripping off my Hot & Spicy Buffalo Wings
all over my winning tickets now.

Yup, Claire's Kitchen will be smokin'...Cards up by 10.

See ya at post time,

Friday, January 30, 2009

The Audacity of the 7th at Aqueduct

Yes siree..Cavallo Pazzo in the 7th...can't miss.

A big shout out to Johnny A who was quick to point
out to me yesterday that old CC Lopez won the 1st at Aqueduct
on a hopeless plodder...Dr Silver Packet paid $28.60 completing
a $79.00 exacta with My Horse...I didn't have it...but it was nice to get
the heads up...

So Cavallo Pazzo in the 7th, Apple in the 8th to
Divorce Court and My Fair El in the 9th...what an easy Pick 3.
Put on your aluminum foil hat Claire, the money's on the way!

and remember this little jem...
"the louder he spoke of his honor, the faster we counted the spoons"
RW Emerson...
reminds me of something...
See ya at post time,

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Climate change, global warming & an inconvenient horse at Big A...

It's snowing in Ozone Park and they have cancelled the races...
driving an ice pick through the heart of my Mortal Lock Pick 3.
Majhood can get back to the carrot munching, Contessa and Levine can
resume the backstretch poker game and Alan Garcia can finish his
Happy Meal with Jessica Simpson. 
What a world...Al Gore is a friggin' idiot!
San Naa in the 8th tommorw...6-1...can't lose.
See ya at post time,

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Year of The's not on the Value Menu.

Happy New Year to all my Chinese friends.
If Tony Dutrow wins the 1st race tomorrow at Aqueduct,
I'm going back to Bernie Madoff...with Bernie at least you know what you're
getting. In the 7th race  I'm betting Claire's car on Majhood...a $600,000
3 yr old  who lost her first and only race by 17 lengths...don't ask me,
I got a feeling. Majhood in the 7th to Mr Fantasy in the 8th to 
Next Day in the 9th...a Pick 3 that will take you clear through
The Super Bowl betting pool... 
That's a Stimulus Package.
See ya at Post Time,

Monday, January 26, 2009

Old Habits not only die hard, they die broke...

Being an astute observer of all things weird, it was difficult to
come to grips with what in hell is going on at Aqueduct this winter.
As a child I learned two hard and fast rules about The Big A inner
dirt track...
#1: Speed on the rail
#2: Speed on the rail
After losing way too many races playing the front running speed it
finally dawned on me it just wasn't working anymore. 
As Marvin Gaye asked, What's goin' on..? 
Well dang, if you go into The Racing Form's on line Formulator
there's this little  tool called Racing Flow Update.
They have a system called BL12, or how far back was the winner
at the first two points of call.

Shocked...I say, shocked, cause one things for sure, that old
early speed rail bias ain't what it used to be. A lot more closers from
off the pace. It's playing like a much different track. 
This may be boring to some people but, hey,
it's something to ponder while I wait on my trust fund check.

By the way, I just read that raccoons mate in January...clink.
See ya at Post Time,

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Screaming like Little Richard...

It could be just another morning beer buzz but I am swearing off
any horse with the name Jack...unless, of course I really need something
that's gonna finish fourth. I'm taking the remainder of my inheritance
and putting it on Shaunna in the 9th in Philly on Tuesday and with 
what's left, Majhood in the 7th at Aqueduct on Wednesday.
If this doesn't work out, it's off the end of the deck for me.
See ya at post time,

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Honest Spanky's Carbon Credits

Hey, really, who knew yesterday was National Pie Day?
There I was wasting my time with Gulfstream Park and
Aqueduct and all the while I should have been rolling out a crust.
Dang! Ah, well...I'm waiting on all my "Jack" horses today,
hoping I didn't miss my pie for nothing.

Loquacious Lover is running in the 5th tomorrow at Philly.
I'm gonna bet half my pie on her.
Thanks to Claire...I know she's making a pie.
See ya at post time.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Too many Jacks...

So...a guy puts in a $24 phone bet out of NYC OTB last Monday
on the Pick Six at Santa Anita. He not only hits it,$653G, he gets 
4 consolations...$8,442... total take, $687,371.
Yah, well somedays you're walkin' around lucky and don't even know it?

Saturday I got Ju Jitsu Jax at Gulfstream, Jack's Wild and
Lucky J.H. at Santa Anita...I mean you have yo play 'em...
last Saturday, Jack Sprat payed $30 at Gulfstream...Jack's on a roll
that's what I think....but I still have to go with
Dry Martini in the 10th at Gulfstream tomorrow...

Hey, Claire...put on the chicken, I'll be over for dinner.
Keep you posted...

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Great Expectations, is Miss Havisham in the house...

Yah, well Lottaexpectations didn't quite live up to 'em
yesterday in Philly...she ran, or plodded and came in 6th...
Fortunately for me, "The Spankster", I had Lottaexpectations
in a 3 horse exacta box with Kid Freud and Chittlin...Kid Freud won
for $7.40 and Chitlin got up for 2nd at $18.20 completing
a $113 payoff. Sometimes my own stupidity really pays off.

Got a hot one in the 8th race today at Aqueduct...
Cellar Dweller, sure thing at 6-1...I'd bet my brother's wife on this one.

Keep your eyes on The PAMPLEMOUSSE.
He won last Saturday's San Rafael Stakes, a G3 at Santa Anita...
and he won it for fun. Looks like the connections have The Derby in mind.
The Santa Anita Derby that is, on April 4th. He wins out...
Hey I'll keep ya posted. Hi T.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


Anybody out there checking the Breeze Figs in The Form for
January 21 has to have the same reaction I did, "whoa"... when they see the
numbers for Lottaexpectations, running in the 5th at Philadelphia.
She is a 3yr old making her 2nd start for trainer Allen Randy.
Well, I got a lotofexpectations...15 to 1...I'll keep you posted. 
PS...Claire, if you can't understand any of this, put down
the merlot and I'll get back to you.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


 Monday, Aqueduct posted early scratches and changes.
Rider change, 2nd race, a real open MSW affair
with a very overbet false favorite, Drivenby Solar due to bounce.
...Inger Management, at 4.5-1 was now 
being ridden by CC Lopez.... Hello! If anyone paid any attention
they were sitting on an easy $357 early Pick 4.
Nobody takes 'em out of the gate at Aqueduct like Chop Chop Lopez!
Sheesh, it's tough being so smart...well, I missed it...Pick 3, the double,
oh I got those ok...but dang, when it's handed to you
and you ignore it...well...back to the Form.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Hey Sportsfans
Anybody catch the second race at Aqueduct on Sunday?
Tour of the Cat, running at Hialeah when I was a child,comes bounding
down the inner dirt stretch in a $7,500 claimer...Great
grandson of gawd, and he was the friggin heavy favorite
at 6/ was his 75th start and 20th win...
That's New the winter.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Up and running soon...